We were all 13 once. Fighting with your parents over nearly everything under the sun is as much of a right of passage as a bat mitzvah. As a teen, you wonder why your parents just couldn’t understand you. As a parent arguing with your own 13-year-old, you kind of want to rip your hair out.
That’s why one mom came to TikToker and self-described “former all-star babysitter” @ChelseaExplainsItAll for advice.
Mom Liz Klose-Johnson asked, “How do you de-sass an almost 13-year-old tone… Her tone is all wrong. All of the time😂”
And look, 13-year-olds are incredibly, viciously sassy, and yes, it sucks for parents. But, Chelsea pointed out, young teens also misunderstood — and meeting them where they are is an important step in coming to a positive solution for everyone.
“Former sassy 13 year old here,” Chelsea responded. “Being 13 is the fucking worst.”
“I remember so specifically the Christmas when I had turned 13, having an identity crisis because I didn’t want toys for Christmas, I didn’t want clothes for Christmas, and I just thought, Who am I? And what the fuck is going on?” she said.
She explained that young teenagers are stuck in an awkward place between childhood and adulthood, and that frustration can cause tension with parents.
“It sounds like you guys right now are in a little bit of a spiral,” Chelsea said. “And when you’re in a spiral, it’s very easy to start becoming defensive and to have the feeling of coming from the standpoint of ‘no,’ anything your kid says, wants, does is a no.”
I’m sure most of us have been there. The phrases, “But Mommmm, you’re being unfair!” or “But Mommmm, why can’t I?” have been reused by every generation since the dawn of time. The cave-teens probably said it. As adults, we can roll our eyes, but Chelsea points out that meeting teens with a touch more empathy on this issue can make those years far less painful on both ends.
“I promise you, if you consciously take the next week to change your internal ‘no, but’ to a ‘yes, if’ when it comes to your kid, you’re going to see that spiral turn around,” she said.
So, what does that look like in action?
“Let’s say your kid stomps through the door and is like, ‘I want this new makeup. Why can’t I have it?’” Chelsea explained. “Instead of being like, ‘No, you can’t have that because you’re a white little brat and you’re already spoiled and you’ve been mean to me for six months, so I’m not gonna go buy something,’ change it to, ‘Oh, yeah, that is a nice lip gloss. We can get that if you think you could maybe help me with cooking dinner Saturday night.’”
Imagine your kid asks if you can drive them to their friend’s house, but you’re exhausted and it’s a school night. Seems like an easy no, right? However, Chelsea’s perspective asks that parents put themselves in their kids shoes, and consider finding ways to say yes. Could it be a yes if they finished their homework by 5, or if they could get a ride back home when they’re done?
“I know that the ‘yes, if’ might sound like this conditional thing, but it truly makes the other person feel like they have a little bit of power, that not everything that they do or say is going to be shut down,” she said.
“Try changing your ‘no, buts’ to ‘yes, ifs’ for one week and see if it helps,” she suggested.
Commenters widely supported Chelsea’s take, and some expanded on it with their own experiences raising teens.
“A mom of 4 grown adults here: save your no for when it REALLY matters. You’ll need the energy to stand your ground on the major important stuff!” one user said.
“I tell my 4yr the answer is no for the following reason ….unless you can convince me otherwise. Forces her to come up with a solution at the end I say good job coming up with good reasons…yes we can” another added.
“My mindset changed when someone pointed out to ask myself why am I saying no. Is it control? Or safety. No more power struggles because it’s usually a yes now,” said another user.
It’s not about giving your teen everything they want. But it is about taking them seriously, and considering their requests, rather than shutting them down immediately. You may not even win “cool mom” status, but you might at least gain a more positive relationship with your “sassy” teen.
