When I met my now ex-husband in in my early 20s, I wanted him to be my best friend. I wanted a partner to do everything with me, to be everything for me — a confidant, a sounding board for business ideas, and an antiquing buddy. I thought (naively) that that’s what a true soulmate and boyfriend should be. And because I was in my early 20s and hadn’t lived enough to realize that was an awful lot to expect from one person, I quickly became disappointed.
I was disappointed after we had kids when he didn’t center every minute of his life around them. He needed time outside of the house to connect with his friends. He was happy to experience hobbies without me because I didn’t want to do what he wanted. I would get upset if I came to him with a problem and found he couldn’t help or support me in the way I needed him. I got upset if he didn’t notice my new outfit. And when I’d get that support from my girlfriends or family members, it made me wonder if something was wrong with my relationship. I thought he was supposed to fill all those roles for me.
But now that we’re divorced and I can see things more clearly, I realize that, more than anything, I was disappointed in myself for putting so much pressure on our relationship. He did nothing wrong, and he was just being himself. Yes, he loved me, but I don’t think I was his one only best friend. I’m not sure why I had the idea that my partner was supposed to be everything to me. But it got in there somehow. Perhaps I could blame society as a whole, or listening to other women talk about the wonderful things their partners did for them that my husband didn’t do, so I compared our relationship to theirs. Maybe it was the way I was raised.
I have learned since that no one person can give you everything you need. We all have different experiences and situations that shape our lives. So, while my partner wasn’t able to understand where I was coming from when our kids were small and I was hormonal and touched out, my girlfriends did. And after talking with them about my feelings, I felt seen and validated. It turns out, that I need many different relationships in my life, but even then, I blamed my husband for not being enough. I was mad I had to seek out these relationships to feel seen.
Now that I’m divorced, my female friendships have grown. I know that even if I find a fantastic man, nothing will be able to replace the bonds I’ve made over the past 10 years. I know now never to let them slip away. Sure, I’ll be able to lean on a partner for certain things, but not everything. That’s a tall order and an impossible ask for a single person. They will give me things he can’t, and that’s all okay.
A wise friend told me she doesn’t have deep conversations with her husband. When I asked her why, she said, “Because he doesn’t get it. But my girlfriends do, and I don’t have to discuss everything with him. Our relationship is better when I don’t.”
I’ve learned having different friends and people to lean on can actually strengthen a partnership. I don’t need to dump everything on that one person. And nothing is better than connecting with a friend, venting, and talking through stuff stressing us out without judgment. A weight is lifted, and I come home and connect with my partner differently.
I’m not saying my partner can’t be one of my best friends. But they can’t be my only best friend. I need other strong relationships, especially with my girlfriends, because that makes me grounded. And when I’m grounded, I’m a better partner.
Diana Park is a writer who finds solitude in a good book, the ocean, and eating fast food with her kids.
