Childhood can be hard. I mean, sure, there are no bills and someone else feeds and clothes you, but think about it: kids need to learn everything. Not just reading and writing but also how emotions and friendships work.
For hundreds, perhaps thousands, of years many a young person has navigated the difficulties of growing up with a journal, a practice that’s cathartic, ritualistic, and above all private and judgment-free.
But Kristen Hallett, a writer and speaker based in Canada, shared a story about how she reads her daughter’s journal and encourages other parents to do the same.
Don’t panic, it’s actually pretty smart and really great!
Hallett, who specializes in death and grief, posted a video sharing an experience she had at a “grief circle” she hosted, where a daughter brought her mother to the session without telling her ahead of time what the meeting was about.
The daughter wanted to acknowledge the “grief and weight” her mom had been carrying for the family and wanted to give her a space to “unload it.”
“And I watched them and I watched the relationship and it was exquisite,” Hallett recalls.
Eager to understand more about their bond, Hallett says she “cornered” the mother after the session had ended.
“I’m like, ‘Listen, I have daughters,’” she began. “‘Give me the goods: how did you create this relationship with your daughter? Because it is so special, I can feel that.’”
The secret, it turns out, was a journal. Specifically, a shared journal.
“I gave it to my daughter,” the mother explained. “And I told her, ‘If there’s anything that you’re scared to tell me, scared to ask, afraid to use your voice and say out loud, put it in here [and] put it under my pillow. I won’t say anything. I’ll write back and put it under your pillow. That’s it. It’ll never come up. It’ll stay in here; it’s ours to share.’”
Hallett recently told Today that she has taken up the practice with her 6-year-old and hopes to start with her 5-year-old as well.
“I feel so lucky because I’ll get pictures and ‘I love you’ messages,” she says. “We’re getting into the routine and (creating) a safe space for now. … Generally, from my understanding, ‘The bigger the kid, the bigger the problems.’ I’m setting the foundation for when my kids are teenagers.”
Honestly, this is a fantastic idea, especially for kids whose instinct is to internalize emotions. The concept was well received by Hallett’s Instagram followers.
“My mom did this with me and my sister when we were preteens,” said one. “She passed away when I was 27 and I found the journals in her things and it has been the most transformative experience going through them.”
“My daughter is 28 now and we have a great relationship but this would have been so great during those rough preteen/teen years,” another noted wistfully.
One mom who said she’d taken up the practice with her daughter (who, now that she’s 14, rarely uses the journal anymore and just talks to her mom), offered a twist on the idea that has proven useful in her house.
“[My daughter] has a huge crush right now so I actually read to her all the “cringe” things from my journal at her age last night,” she wrote.
“I highly recommend that as well. Not only are you being vulnerable and exposing your own young self, you are reminding your child how similar the human condition is and that you indeed do understand.”
Childhood is hard but so too is parenting. Maybe this “pillow journal” can make it a little bit easier for everyone
