A familiar scene: you’re walking through the mall trying to meet up with your friends, shopping bags in tow. And, across the way, walking in the other direction, you see your mom. She’s waving to you frantically. Omg, you want to hide.
As a woman in midlife, I’ve now been on both sides of that exchange. I’ve felt the total humiliation as the kid, and now, the rejection of the always-ignored mom.
With kids in elementary and middle school, so much of being a mom lately transports me back to my own childhood. Whether I’m at Disneyland or an Olivia Rodrigo concert thinking about The New Kids on the Block, or taking in all the 90’s jeans and crop tops at school drop off, I find myself longing for my own past life. How I wish I could go back to the Scholastic Book Fair, or experience the freedom to be unreachable on my bike.
“Nostalgia can remind us to be present in the moment and savor our experiences; it’s a way of connecting our past emotional experiences with our present life,” says Lindsey Ferris, MS, LMFT, a Seattle-based psychotherapist.
And in midlife, especially when you have adolescent kids, it goes into overdrive.
Grief and nostalgia, I’ve noticed, are close cousins. We ache for what was, and what we miss. I lost my mother over 23 years ago, and, having lived almost half of my life without her, I know what a balm nostalgia can be. I often go back to the cocoon of my ‘80s childhood. If I hear a Dolly and Kenny duet, or catch Sesame Street on TV, or taste a lemon meringue pie, I can feel my mother near me. These moments are a sweet refuge in my full life.
It’s wild to be a parent and feel like a kid, all in the same moment.
When my daughter and I are in Sephora, sniffing the Sol de Janeiro sprays, I can’t help but think of shopping with my own mother, going to the Clinique counter and coming home with the infamous toner and yellow-tinted moisturizer. We bonded over the tiny travel lipsticks, and all the free gifts. Years later, I’d take my own babysitting money and drive myself to the store to buy my first Happy perfume, and black honey lipstick. All of these moments connect my mother, my daughter, and myself.
In this overwhelming sandwich season, many of us are cleaning out our parents’ attics, the boxes of pictures and mementos reminding us of the happiness and freedom of a simpler time in life — the time our kids are in now. Nostalgia can also be a way to connect with our past selves to find strength as we brave new paths forward, especially after the death of parents.
Feeling nostalgic can be a lift during times when we feel alone. “Nostalgia can help us process grief or reconnect with cherished memories,” Ferris tells me. “If you feel stuck in past memories, like you’re on a loop of nostalgia, it might be time to talk with a therapist. Often, it can be unprocessed grief over a time you miss or a memory that triggers shame, loss, or strong negative feelings.”
It’s wild to be a parent and feel like a kid, all in the same moment. My kids think I’m old for being born in the 20th century and using my Airpods as hearing aids. But, when my girls and I, all in our baggy jeans, hear N’SYNC in the car on the way to soccer practice, we turn the volume all the way up and sing along, together. One more memory I’ll pine for someday.
