My husband and I are absolutely best friends. We love watching the same movies and TV shows together, we love going out to concerts and fun date nights, and we love talking about anything and everything. But one thing we differ a lot on is our preferred schedule. While my husband is a night owl who prefers staying up late (like 2 a.m. late) and sleeping in, I much prefer getting up before the sun and going to bed around the same time as our three children. But much like not going to bed angry, going to bed at the same time as your partner is often seen as good relationship advice. It’s supposed to keep you close and in sync, and is generally considered “better” than going to bed at separate times. But why? What does it mean if you and your partner go to bed at different times?
“Honestly, nothing,” Jackie Hunter, a family therapist, tells Scary Mommy. “It’s more than just going to bed at the same time, it’s what you do before bed and how you find quality time that matters.”
Hunter says that the kind of black-and-white relationship advice, like “make sure you go to bed at the same time every night,” doesn’t work for everyone. “All relationship advice like this is circumstantial. Is it a good idea to be with your partner at the end of the evening? Yes, of course. Does that mean you have to go to bed when your partner goes to sleep, even if you aren’t ready? Not at all.”
Instead of focusing on what time you go to bed, Hunter says what matters is how you spend quality time. Since that post-bedtime-dinner-cleanup time is so precious to many couples, figure out how to spend that time together and make it work for your relationship. For some couples, that might mean playing a game, watching a movie, or just sitting next to each other sharing Reels back and forth and laughing about them. For others, it might mean having alone time, and then meeting back together in bed for an episode of Friends before falling asleep.
And when it comes to your sex life? Don’t let that depend on your bedtime. “You don’t have to have sex at bedtime forever,” Hunter says. “If your sex life isn’t what you want it to be, figure it out together.” That might mean making plans or having sex during a time you wouldn’t usually; but a different bedtime doesn’t always mean your relationship is lacking intimacy.
“Bottom line — if your different bedtimes don’t feel right, then do what does. If you wish your spouse would come to bed with you for an intimate moment, tell them that’s what you’d like. Maybe after some time together, you can then go to sleep while they stay up a little later. If you want to start spending more quality time together before bedtime so you can each go to sleep on your own schedule, do it. Talk to your partner. Communication is everything, regardless of bedtimes,” Hunter says.
So don’t base your relationship’s entire intimacy and connection level on your bedtimes. Advice is just that: advice. And whatever works for you and your partner works for you, regardless if it’s the “right” way to do a relationship.
And that means for my husband and me, I’ll keep letting him tuck me into bed with Friends before he goes back downstairs. I know we love each other — and our own sleep schedules.
