What Are We? 13 Tips for Having ‘the Talk,’ According to Therapists and Relationship Experts

It’s okay to ask for what you want in life, whether it be a promotion or the type of relationship you want, Hendrix agrees. “The worst thing that could happen is that the person says no,” she says. “If they do say no, it’s information that can help you take the next step that is best for you.”

“It should always start with what you want,” says Julie Krafchick, a relationship expert, cohost of the Dateable podcast, and coauthor of the upcoming How to Be Dateable (out January 28). “What are you looking for? We always hear people say, ‘So what are we?’ It’s an ambiguous question, and then the other person doesn’t really know what you’re hoping to hear. So it’s always good to start off with your needs at the forefront.”

3. Don’t be afraid of scaring them off.

“If this is the person you are supposed to be with, there is nothing you can do or ask that is going to make them go away,” says Hendrix. “If it is ‘your person,’ nothing will keep them away.”

In fact, Stratyner says their reaction to a conversation about defining the relationship—regardless of whether or not they’re ready to go official—can be very telling about whether or not this person is a good fit for you. “If you’re the person asking, ‘What are we?’ and you feel that your partner or the person you’re seeing responds to that with respect and in a way that demonstrates that they care about your feelings, those would be green flags,” she says. “If their response is to ghost you and stop talking to you, that’s not a good sign.”

You deserve to have a healthy relationship with a person who treats your emotions with compassion, dignity, and respect, says Stratyner. “A person who’s going to ghost you when you’re trying to figure out what your relationship is looking like is probably not the right person for you, which I know can be hard to hear,” she says.

4. Have the conversation face-to-face.

“For the love of god, don’t have ‘the talk’ via texts,” says Glamour copy editor Charlotte Twine.

Experts agree: This is sound dating advice. “As tempting as it might be to have difficult conversations by phone or text, make sure you talk about this in person,” says Chiara Atik, dating expert and author of Modern Dating: A Field Guide. “Texting is far too ambiguous for this type of conversation, and phone conversations just aren’t the same as meeting face-to-face. If you do want to have a relationship, then maturely discussing things in person is the absolute best way to start things off.”

5. Choose the right setting.

In addition to talking face-to-face, you’ll want to consider other factors like where, when, and how before having any talks about making this an exclusive relationship. “My tip? Have this conversation at a reasonable time of day, in person or on the phone, and without any substances,” says commerce editor Malia Griggs.

6. Don’t start the chat with “We need to talk.”

For a lot of people, “We need to talk” are four of the most anxiety-producing words in the English language. Avoid them at all costs. “Don’t ever say to somebody ‘We need to talk,’ because that will immediately throw them into a panic,” says Los Angeles-based relationship and dating coach Lisa Shield.

7. Be honest if you’re feeling nervous.

You’re allowed to have butterflies about both the talk and also what it means. It’s normal—and your potential partner is probably in the same boat. Some people are more afraid of committing to the wrong person than they are of a long-term relationship itself. You can be honest and say you’re not sure they’re the one, but you think it’s worth finding out.

8. Keep it light! The conversation doesn’t have to be serious just because the topic is.

“The talk shouldn’t be heavy and pressure-filled,” says Andrea Syrtash, dating expert and author of He’s Just Not Your Type (and That’s a Good Thing). “If you want to tell them you see more potential, you can let them know in a fun and upbeat way. You can say something like, ‘I’m no longer looking to find dates. Happily took my profile down today.’ That may open up the conversation. If they respond, ‘Why would you do that? Don’t do that!’ that’s probably a sign they’re not ready. If they smile and say they’ve done the same, the conversation will be much easier.”