You survived another work day, PTA meeting, sports carpool, and the mountain of dishes — and you’re ready to flop into bed. Pre-kids, you might still have had one more “to do” on your list. Yep, I’m talking about sex. And while it may be as great and frequent as ever with your partner, the desire and energy definitely wane with parenthood for some moms. When you haven’t had a good meal, shower, or sleep recently thanks to all those other responsibilities, sex can seem like… another thing on your already overloaded list.
A recent survey from Skylight and The Harris Poll found that of the 2000 parents surveyed, the primary caregivers acknowledged carrying 75% of the mental load for their home. And a whopping 78% of those who identified as the primary caregivers were moms. Other research has linked that “load” to implications in the bedroom. A 2022 study found that inequalities amongst household responsibilities in heterosexual couples led to lower sexual desire in women. Sex isn’t the only area of physical health impacted, either — a 2023 study found there were physical effects for those shouldering the majority of the mental load, including sleeping difficulties and fatigue.
But there’s good news on the horizon. According to 2023 data from Emily Oster, the frequency of parents’ sex increases as children grow older. Yet, the data also showed that men are 16 percentage points higher at saying they feel they don’t have enough sex when compared to women.
Here’s what experts think about the why behind the “no thanks” for sex.
“I need something else first.”
“Moms are tired! They are not just juggling daily tasks, but keeping track of a lot of details as well (like whether we’re out of toilet paper and remembering to sign the kids up for camp),” says Ivy Ellis, a mental health therapist at Empathic Counseling Center in the Chicago area. “Women’s sexual desires are more situation-dependent. While men might seek out sex to feel close to their partner, women usually need to feel connected first before they want to be intimate.”
Amy Seiberlich, a mother and certified Erotic Blueprint Coach, also points out that a mother’s fatigue is usually multidimensional. “While exhaustion is a common culprit, it’s often a smokescreen for deeper issues. When a mom says ‘no’ to sex, it’s often her body’s way of saying, ‘I need something else first.’ That could be more rest, more help, or even just more emotional connection.”
Role switching
Esther Perel, psychotherapist and author in New York City, connects the dots between sex lives and parenting burnout. “What eroticism thrives on is what family life defends against. Family life needs consistency, routine, repetition, stability, and predictability. Eroticism seeks spontaneity, novelty, mystery, ritual, and playfulness,” she says. As she covers in her courses Bringing Desire Back and Playing with Desire, “it takes deliberate consciousness to integrate the erotic with the domestic — and to learn to switch back and forth between pleasure and responsibility in an integrated way.”
Some moms feel “touched out” by having children physically close to them, nursing, hugging, carrying, and otherwise raising their kids. So, the idea of switching roles — even something as tangible as the purposes of breasts — can be tough.
“For many moms, sex is a complicated topic… especially in the early years. Women feel overtouched, overstimulated, and physically exhausted at best — stiff and in constant low-grade pain more frequently. Moms also spend the majority of their time focusing on others and not very connected to their own bodies,” says Rachel Welch, CEO and co-founder of Revolution Motherhood, a postpartum wellness program.
Postpartum changes
Leah Carey, a sex and relationship coach and host of the podcast Good Girls Talk About Sex, says the No. 1 contributing factor is expecting your sex life to return to what it was pre-pregnancy. “Doctors frequently tell moms that they’ll be cleared for sex six weeks after birth. That sets up the expectation for both parents that a line will be crossed at six weeks, and suddenly their sex life will magically return to what it was prior to pregnancy,” she says. “But even a ‘normal’ pregnancy and childbirth can create a lot of havoc on a body, not to mention a difficult pregnancy or a traumatic birth. Mom is contending with huge hormonal shifts, exhaustion, and potentially using her body as a feeding station and jungle gym. While some people may want to return to sex as soon as possible after giving birth, a huge number do not.”
Meanwhile, Carey shares, the mom’s partner can be building up “a lot of sexual energy they’re eager to release.”
“But because their body hasn’t been through such massive upheaval, they have no reason to think about changing up the ways they’ve had sex in the past. This can result in subtle or overt pressure on Mom to be ready for sex. Because women are often brought up to prioritize the needs of a partner over their own, they’ll give in to sex that they’re not ready for and don’t want,” she says, which, in turn, can create a vicious cycle. “The more often a woman gives in to sex she’s not ready for or doesn’t want, the less likely she is to desire sex over time.”
What the experts suggest
“Shelf” your to-do list
“A mom can often go into cerebral mode when it comes to sex, getting out of her body and into her brain. When you feel your brain gravitating toward your task list, take a deep breath and imagine yourself putting that thought on a shelf. Now invite your mind to travel back into your body, locate where you are feeling pleasure, and camp out there,” Hannah Keeley, a parenting expert and mom of seven with a background in behavioral therapy and neuroscience, says.
Foster judgment-free sex talk
“It’s also important to note that men tend to be turned on when their partner is turned on, whereas women tend to be turned on only when they themselves are turned on (not when their partner is). Understanding these dynamics can help partners navigate this challenge. I would recommend couples talk about this issue openly and without judgment. Feeling touched out is very normal for moms, so there shouldn’t be any shame in expressing it,” says Gayane Aramyan, a Los Angeles-based couples therapist specializing in perinatal mental health, postpartum, and early parenthood.
Slow it down
“Moms also often complain that partners’ approaches feel abrupt. When we have children in the home, we are usually pressed for time and don’t necessarily have time for long talks with our partners. So the approach for sex may happen even if the partners have not had any chance to connect that day,” says Dr. Krista Jordan, a clinical psychologist in Austin, Texas. “That may work OK for the male sexual response system, but women’s arousal response is more complex. Research shows that women take longer to reach full physiological engorgement so that they can experience maximal sexual pleasure. Women also often need some emotional connection before sexual touch. So, taking a few minutes to massage your partner’s back or feet, having a slow dance in the living room, or bringing her a cup of tea and chatting about her day can help her change gears into a more sexually receptive space. And from there, when you move on to sexual touch, make sure to take enough time to help the female partner be able to reach full arousal.”
Broaden your definition of “sex”
“Experiment with a pleasure focus,” Perel says. “Maintain physical contact and sensual contact even when sex is not in the cards. Broaden the definition of sexuality beyond the performative ‘orgasm and penetration’ and try to become more pleasure-focused. This can take on a depth when it’s approached with curiosity.”
Use play to change modes
“Turn on some music, dance, create a fantasy landscape in your home, explore in your imagination even when you cannot change your circumstances; read, watch, or listen to something titillating together,” Perel says. “If you are stuck in a rut, then find a way to change the script — even if it’s just for a moment — and give yourself a chance to try a new mode of connection.”
Move away from bedtime
“If you want to catch a mom for sexy time, get those kiddos to bed while she showers and unwinds, then dive in,” Welch says. “Wait until she’s been through the bedtime gauntlet and chances of her being able to rally for sex goes waaaay down.”
Try chore-foreplay
“After acknowledging that moms may get more requests from kids, dads can also help put their partner in the mood by helping with tasks. Moms often complain that when a partner approaches them for sex, there are still dirty dishes or unfolded laundry. Helping to get the chores done before approaching for sex can be a way of reducing the mom’s stress at that moment,” Jordan says.
Make her pleasure the focus
“The answer isn’t hard, but it will take some focused attention from both partners: spending the majority of sexy time focused on filling Mom’s needs, rather than more traditional sex sessions that tend to overly focus on the penis (in a heterosexual partnership),” Carey shares. “Rather than asking the woman to use her already-exhausted body to act as a vessel for his pleasure, spend sexy time focused on touching her the way that she wants to be touched. If she’s not ready to receive penetration, there are plenty of other ways for the couple to touch and be intimate as long as Dad understands that not every sex session is about him ejaculating inside her.”
Schedule time when the kids are actually out of the house
“Couples with kids can also benefit from scheduling dates for physical intimacy as many moms report struggling to ‘get sexy’ when they know the kids are down the hall or playing out back,” Jordan says. “Women’s sexual response is easier to derail with competing thoughts, so helping the woman have less to think about (like not worrying the kids will need something or barge in) can aid them in being able to enjoy the sexual experience.”
With some intentional adjustments, and some time to get better sleep and balance, many couples can find a new — and possibly even more exciting — normal than “pre-baby” intimacy.
