When our teens open up to us about something deeply personal, it’s up to us, as their parents, to take in that information and be extremely tactful. They trust us. We are their safe space. That bond could easily be broken in an instant if they learn we’ve breached that trust.
So, what do you do when your teen shares important life details with you but not your partner?
One woman found herself in that situation when her teenage daughter disclosed to her that she had sex. When she didn’t tell her husband right away, he became “livid.”
Now, she’s wondering if she was in the wrong to withhold the information for three weeks.
In a now-viral Reddit post from the “Am I The A**hole?” thread, this mom is looking for some advice on how others would have handled the situation.
“I found out earlier this month our daughter had sex,” she wrote.
“I was floored and left speechless. She is 16 though and of course not unheard of. Honestly it came out of left field and we were dealing with some other issues regarding her.”
She goes on to explain that her husband can be “high strung” and has a tendency to overreact.
“I waited three weeks and finally told him. He is livid. He sees me not telling him immediately as a breach of trust, etc. I tried to explain that I kept it from him because we already were dealing with issues and I myself needed to digest everything.”
“He called me neglectful for not getting her to the doctor as soon as I found out. She is on birth control and I had verified she has had multiple periods. As the encounter happened three months ago. I told him I wasn’t going to make an appt without telling him to begin with.”
After she told her husband, they three of them sat down and discussed the information their daughter had relayed. The OP notes that during the talk, her husband seemed okay.
However, she’s noticed a change in his behavior towards her since then. Going so far as to ignore her birthday.
“He ignored my birthday Wednesday. Won’t touch me, barely talks to me. AITA for not telling him as soon as I found out?” she asked.
After her post went viral, several Reddit users commented on the thread with their own takes on this situation. Some wondered why the OP felt the need to tell her husband at all.
“YTA she is 16. Your husband didn’t need to know at all,” one wrote.
“NTA. Your daughter is 16, her sex life is none of your husbands business! And also not yours either. Yes, she is still a minor, but she has the right to privacy about certain things. As long as she takes birth control and stays safe, it’s a normal behaviour of a 16 year old,” another wrote.
“NTA. I wouldn’t tell my husband at all if I knew he usually reacts this way. Also I would not tell him without my daughter’s permission,” one user wrote.
“I never told my husband my daughter had sex!!!!! She told me in confidence!!!!” another said.
Another echoed, “This might be controversial but I don’t think you HAD to tell your husband at all. Sometimes I confide in my mom about things that I wouldn’t want my dad to know. I think it depends on whether or not the daughter is okay with him knowing so not to break her trust and respect her privacy. A lot of kids would keep this a secret from their parents altogether.”
“Parent of 4 teenagers here. If my child is talking to ONE of us about intimate issues, that’s 100% a win. Neither me nor my partner would ever in a million years be mad at the other for doing what needed to be done to maximize communication with the kids, even if one of us was temporarily in the dark about a non-life threatening issue,” one user wrote.
“If I can’t trust my partner to make parenting decisions on their own, how would I ever trust them with the other 100 things that come up in marriage.”
Exactly this. It sounds like her husband didn’t trust his wife before the news of their daughter came to light. He didn’t trust her to confirm her health status. He didn’t trust her to handle the situation with care and consideration. He, a man, thought that he could do a better job at handling their sixteen-year-old daughter’s new sex life better than her mother.
“If you are worried about discussing something important with your husband because he will flip out I think there may be something far more serious going on,” one user noted.
His complete overreaction to the situation and unwarranted treatment of his wife seems like proof that she probably should have never told him about what happened. And that maybe there are more issues in their marriage than she thinks.
